How Much to Help Your Ex After the Divorce
Written by divorce3 on June 24, 2008 – 4:42 pm -After the divorce is final, how does a man know when to stop helping his ex-wife, if he should ever stop? Many men wrestle with this question.
Some men simple leave their ex-wife and never see or speak to them again. If there are no children involved this is many times what happens and probably common. Children will make it harder to completely get rid of the ex-wife’s presence. In addition to children though, many times the ex-wife was dependant on her husband to do things like repair the car, mow the lawn or fix the plumbing. So, should the man continue to do some of these things for a period of time after the divorce, if the ex-wife asks him to? Or should the man simply abandon these former responsibilities immediately and tell the wife to try her best to get help? If your ex-wife got your former house does this make the answers different? It is possible to rationalize that if your ex-wife got the house in the divorce settlement than she should not ask you to help fix broken items ever again. But what if you got the house and she calls you up, from her apartment, a month after the divorce and needs your help fixing a car problem? Do you do it or tell her goodbye? What if it has been 6 months, or a year?
I would like to hear from my readers what they think. So please respond.
Depending on ones anger level about the divorce, some men, out of kindness, try to help the ex-wife transition into a new single life until she gets used to finding other help. I have seen this drag on for years. Some even still have sex with the ex after the divorce. Some men will help the ex-wife with some stuff but not others. When, if ever, do you say no? If the man gets a new girlfriend the situations becomes complex. Few, if any new girlfriends will tolerate her man helping an ex-wife too much. Many girlfriends even have a hard time telling if you are helping your children or helping the ex-wife more. This will cause confusion and tension in your new relationship.
Is it right to help the ex-wife at all? Is it more right if you (the man) were the one who asked for the divorce? These are the questions you will have to face when contemplating a divorce or after the divorce.
Posted in how much to help your ex |
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I believe it centers on who left the marriage. My attitude and behavior would be much different had I been the one seeking the divorce. The last assistance I gave the to ex-wife was when me and three of my friends moved her and my two daughters’ belongings out of my house. I was happy to do help.
August 30th, 2008 at 12:03 am
Very interesting indeed. I think the ex-wives need to figure out how to have their needs met now that they are divorced. Single women, never been married women do this all day everyday. We PAY for handymen, plumbers, mechanics, and other professionals. And if we can’t pay we look to OUR family members, church, or prograsm. REALITY CHECK! Women who are considering divorce need to count the costs BEFORE pulling the trigger. When you lose the husband you lose the handyman, plumber, mechanic, etc. Half the time I think the calls to the ex-husband are just a ploy for women to continue to get back at you or to have their egos stroked by male attention.
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:08 pm
My boyfriend is divorced from his wife 4 years (she threw him out), but he practically bends over backwards when she needs anything. He says it is for the sake of the children. They have alternating weeks, yet we’ve had the children the last 5 weekends in a row, because he is very close with his kids, and she likes to go away on the weekends. He picks them up from school every day, and drops them off at her house, (he has the keys). I love him and his children (they really are wonderful) but I can’t see creating a family or a life with this man, when he already has one. There is no room for me, and I feel like I’m dating a married man. I am a single woman, and have raised my sister’s children when she passed away. I am quite capable of taking care of myself and then some - so I see the ex-wife as pathetic, weak and manipulative. She has a job, plus child support and a brain, let her figure it out and be done already.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Why would it matter who left the marriage? Guilt? If you feel guilty maybe you shouldn’t have left the marriage in the first place.
My question is who takes precedence over the other, the ex-spouse or the new girlfriend or boyfriend? And how to decide this. If there are children involved does that mean the ex does? And is that fair to the new person in someones life?
I am divorced and have had problems in the past dealing with the way men are with their ex’s (children or not).
It’s not a good feeling to be getting older and wanting to be in a nice, strong relationship with someone. It seems the older you get the more chance of the person you are going to be with having a lot of baggage to bring into a new relationship.
I do agree that the ex (no matter who left who) needs to be able to move on and take care of themself or find someone new to do it. If you are no longer in a relationship with a person, and that person is with someone else, don’t take everything they have from them and still expect them to do everything for you. Why make their life miserable? What kind of person does that make you?
September 7th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Interesting Situation. I am divorced and in the beginning I would on occasion ask my ex to help me with some things even though I was the one who wanted the divorce. It has been many years since my divorce was final and I would never, never ask him for anything. Women are able to take care of themselves. The children usually do better if they are in a household where there are problems with the parents. Children adjust much better than we give them credit for and are much better for this. As far as a new person coming into the relationship, she is the one who usually suffers the most. She is put into a situation where she has to understand more than should be expected of her. If a new person was brought into this relationship then she is the one who is now the object of his or her caring and should be NUMBER 1
September 10th, 2008 at 3:12 am
This is a tough one. There are certainly those who would feel an obligation to help the ex, particularly, I would think, if they were the initiator of the divorce. Others would feel no such obligation. Some would help with a bit of resentment and disbelief, but would do so to set a good example to their children. And still some would feel no obligation to help at all, no matter what role they played in the divorce. Lots of factors are involved, including the nature of the divorce, the nature of the people involved, and the work that help is being sought for. As for an actual obligation, I don’t think there is any, regardless of who initiated the divorce action. I would make an exception, though, if you initiated the divorce and were in the middle of a do-it-yourself project when the separation occured. If she still wants your help, then I think you are obligated to help finish the project if she requests it. If you were the divorcee, then I don’t see any obligation under any circumstance. But being obligated and helping out of kindness are two different things.